Billy May I

Today while I was being so productive at work that I could barely
think, my Billy Mays replacement Vince came on television pimping out
his Shamwow, you know the uber absorbent towel that could clean up all
that blood from stabbing someone repeatedly. You can wash and reuse
too! This man is totally ridiculous and he even wears a headset while
doing a commercial on televison. Bets have been that it is either
totally a prop or he really wears it all day and takes Shamwow orders
even while showering.

This is Vince, you really need to see this to get the full picture:

I
haven’t heard from Billy Mays in a while and I wonder what he has been
up to. I miss him yelling at me from the television set, and I’ll be
damned if I didn’t buy Kaboom after he advertised it. I am a chronic
infomercial junkie by the way. I get this special high watching all of
these wonderous products promising to make my infinitely difficult life
much more simple. Ten minute workouts, cleaning products, and makeup
top the list of ones that I will stare at the television watching,
waiting, biting my nails in anticipation.

I love how they take
their sweet time telling me all of the things that these items will do,
watching the excited faces on people who are not paid actors endorse
it, but that is not the part that baits me the most. It is the BUT
WAIT…..part that kills me. What am I waiting for is what? Possibly
them to knock off a payment? A free penlight? A double order if I
purchase now? It gets me all tingly and excited to see what they are
going to do for me.

This led to another one of my very normal
Skype conversations that I have daily with Conor. I started to ponder
whether or not these infomercial guys fight for parts in the
infomercial the way that actual actors fight for a role.

I
picture them sitting in a dirty waiting room, reading the script,
nervously sizing up the competition. Calling their infomercial agent to
tell them they didn’t get the part because they totally flubbed their
lines. Practicing at home on their own products that they have lying
around, turning to the cat to ask if it sounded ok.

Here is the most proof I can find that there is that competition out there:

Who
writes the scripts for infomercials too? Can I aspire to do that one
day? Could I be an excited extra on one? Why don’t I know anything
about this unchartered television territory?

Whenever I
start to miss Billy though, I watch the below video and it makes me
wish that he would make an Billy Mays alarm clock to soothe me awake.
each morning

To Not Pinch & To Grow An Inch

It is amazing when you go to the doctor what useful information you can take home with you for the mere price of a $15.00 co-pay. That is less than a psychic, and the information they give you is almost as reliable.

I almost with I could go to my doctor once a week, what with my hypochondria and all, and have them give me all sorts of new information about my body.

For instance, in the throes of a major head/jawache, I started to rub my jaw. While rummaging around down there, I found that one side felt funnier than the other. As in one side had a lumpity bump and the other did not.

Immediately and most logically it was either a blood clot that was going to shoot straight into my brain, or a tumor that would leave me with only one top of my jaw left. Once I managed to calm myself down, I figured my mother would be my further Valium in life, so I called her and casually mentioned it in passing like “Oh hey, I woke up today like I do every day.”

She instead reignited the paranoia and told me that I must go to the doctor right away. I must have disobeyed her too much in my youth, because now I do every single thing my mom tells me to do without question. I must inherently be making up for all that rebellion by turning into a yes ma’am kind of girl.

Once I went in for my appointment, I was dreading getting on that scale. Winter has taken its cold dreary hold on me and fast food has been the way to go. I was pretty much convinced that the scale was going to tip over once I stepped on it, but the nurse rattled off a tolerable weight that only put me 4 lbs above what I was in the summer time. Sure it all when to my ass, hips, and new double chin, but I will take a four pound gain over a ten pound one.

She then went to measure my height and I’ll be damned if I didn’t think I was five feet four inches for about 13 years now. I am actually five feet five inches! It’s like I have some new taller perspective to look forward to now. I shall now look down upon all of you five foot four inchers and rule the kingdom of giants from here on out!

Other than that, the doctor said something about swollen lymph node or cyst just chilling on my jaw and if it gets any bigger to come back. I figure I will show him when I come back and some sort of hair and teeth tumor has attached itself to the side of my face and I am faced with the challenge of coming up with a name for my new friend.

Mo’ Music

Go check out all of our little besty blurbs that we worked hard on for Musicstravaganza that is going on right now! DO IT.

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