Billy May I

Today while I was being so productive at work that I could barely
think, my Billy Mays replacement Vince came on television pimping out
his Shamwow, you know the uber absorbent towel that could clean up all
that blood from stabbing someone repeatedly. You can wash and reuse
too! This man is totally ridiculous and he even wears a headset while
doing a commercial on televison. Bets have been that it is either
totally a prop or he really wears it all day and takes Shamwow orders
even while showering.

This is Vince, you really need to see this to get the full picture:

I
haven’t heard from Billy Mays in a while and I wonder what he has been
up to. I miss him yelling at me from the television set, and I’ll be
damned if I didn’t buy Kaboom after he advertised it. I am a chronic
infomercial junkie by the way. I get this special high watching all of
these wonderous products promising to make my infinitely difficult life
much more simple. Ten minute workouts, cleaning products, and makeup
top the list of ones that I will stare at the television watching,
waiting, biting my nails in anticipation.

I love how they take
their sweet time telling me all of the things that these items will do,
watching the excited faces on people who are not paid actors endorse
it, but that is not the part that baits me the most. It is the BUT
WAIT…..part that kills me. What am I waiting for is what? Possibly
them to knock off a payment? A free penlight? A double order if I
purchase now? It gets me all tingly and excited to see what they are
going to do for me.

This led to another one of my very normal
Skype conversations that I have daily with Conor. I started to ponder
whether or not these infomercial guys fight for parts in the
infomercial the way that actual actors fight for a role.

I
picture them sitting in a dirty waiting room, reading the script,
nervously sizing up the competition. Calling their infomercial agent to
tell them they didn’t get the part because they totally flubbed their
lines. Practicing at home on their own products that they have lying
around, turning to the cat to ask if it sounded ok.

Here is the most proof I can find that there is that competition out there:

Who
writes the scripts for infomercials too? Can I aspire to do that one
day? Could I be an excited extra on one? Why don’t I know anything
about this unchartered television territory?

Whenever I
start to miss Billy though, I watch the below video and it makes me
wish that he would make an Billy Mays alarm clock to soothe me awake.
each morning